Evil Overlord

I didn't write this, but I thought it was awesome enough to post to my blog. Found Here: http://www.proft.org/tips/evil.html

How to be a Successful Evil Overlord

by Peter Anspach

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not
Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the
form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization.
For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness.
Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.

If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legion of Terror "And he must be taken alive-" the command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more alone the lines of "Push the button"

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.

After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.

Precog (proleague)

Gosh, Miles, you're really starting to get to me with that whole writing thing. This is a revisit to an old topic, but completely redone. It's about a precognetic (sees the future) person. This is not him.

The man closed his eyes and began to draw. When he opened them, a rose, despite its protecting thorns, was under a siege laid by birds and aphids that were bursting from inside it. Most of the petals were wilted, and one was peacefully but remorsefully falling to the soft ground. The man looked up, his eye full of tears.
"It's too late".
The room around him, a studio apartment littered in hundreds of papers, drawn on and beautifully rendered, each significant in its own, exploded in a fiery blaze.

Website Test One!

Alright, I think I've got the basics of this, it's not perfect (or even close) but I'm feeling cocky and I'm gonna launch it. So here it is! http://www.wix.com/CaptainHersheyBar/The-Brandon-Butler Enjoy! ( and if it doesn't work, uh, oops...)

Rain God

This is the short story I made for my English class. It doesn't really make much sense, but I like the idea and kind of want to write more on it. I realize the storyline is a bit poor and I could have definitely spent more time in some areas, but remember I typed this in about an hour total. So please, please criticize.

That night was a night so dark and stormy, not only could one drown from the heavy downpour, there was an odd darkness and sense of unease that permeated everything. This is much less of a poetic justice then it is a result of wrongdoing, as that was the night Ronald Raindrop, the could spirit, left the skies.
It's not uncommon for an elemental to leave their post, unless you're an earthen one- I've never heard of mountains materializing since the death of the dinosaurs, but one does hear rumors, and it's not as if mountains haven't been made or died since then. But normally, elementals have the ability to turn back whenever they wish. Unbeknown-st to Ronald, the darkness that went into him that night cursed him, and thrust him from the heavens.
He and Tommy Thunder had been arguing. Supposed to be partners in their work, a rivalry set between had been creeping between them, and before they knew it, there was a fight. Not many know the exact cause, but a storm over the eastern Pacific caused them both to snap, and all at once, two thing happened- Ron attempted to materialize, or enter into human form. But at that same moment, in an event that had never happened before, Tom threw a bolt of lightning directly at him. The air shattered around Ron and everything disappeared.
He woke up after it stopped raining. He lay there for a second tasting the last few drops, but suddenly remembering what happened, he sat up, wide awake. The moon was cracking out of the clouds and the clouds sped off. Ron looked at his surrounding. He'd made it to dry ground somehow in the chaos. As the starry sky lit the landscape, Ron hiked up to the nearest hill, and in the distance, he saw Seattle glowing in the clearing sky.

It was actually very fortunate he should end up there. 40 years before, a small landslide blocked off a stream, which would have died had she not known beforehand and jumped out. Her name was Sandra, and since getting married to a man who knew nothing about her history, she had seven healthy, living children. One of them was a water elemental, or so the rumors went. A personal friend of Ron's, she aged half as fast a normal human, and though worried the process was speeding, she was content with her life. Of course, the last time Ron had visited was over two decades. He walked into the lobby of the motel where a teen-aged secretary sat at the desk. She looked up.
"Hello!" she said, giving that classic overly-friendly smile. "Do you want to book a room?" Ronald glanced around.

"Uh, maybe. Is Sandra, the owner, here?", he said, feeling almost a little out of place. He really hadn't been here for a long time.

"She's in the city right now.". The girl looked him over. Ronald, in this form, was an average height, blond haired, and strikingly grey eyed individual. He looked to be in his early twenties, and wore a a black t-shirt, jeans, and an overcoat that perfectly matched those curious eye. Funny. She probably wouldn't be able to get those out of her mind now. They seemed so deep, and the boy just looked like he really knew something, almost, she thought to herself, very familiar.

"Do I know you from somewhere? What's you're name? How do you know my mother?", she asked as she continued to stare at him.

'I'm Ronald. Uh, Raindrop."

"Raindrop? That's really..." Her voice trailed off as Sandra, the owner, walked into the lobby.

"I can't believe a storm like that could fade so fast, it's almost like somebody decided to-" She looked at Ron with the weirdest look on her face. "Do I..." Her expression flashed to a bright smile and the next thing anybody knew, she was hugging him. "What in the world are you doing here? I thought we still had some rain left in the year?"

"It's a bit long of a story, really", he said, glancing at the girl.

"Oh! This is my daughter, Miranda.. She manages the desk for me. But I'm sure you've noticed. How long have you been here? How did you get here?"

"Well, let's just I'm really lucky to be in the area right now. You noticed that storm? How fast it went away?". Ron glared, and she nodded, understanding. "I totally lost my bearings, and personally, I think I'm lucky just to be on ground right now. Can't swim worth anything."

"But why are you here? Aren't you working?" she pressed.

"Erm.. I actually can't remember much coming but... you'll remember Tommy? We, uh, kinda had a disagreement. I left, but while I did I was knocked unconcious. That's never happened before, has it?" Ron really was curious.

"Unconcious? No, I don't think that's supposed to happen. It's like, landing with a parachute, you know? You have to be aware to land. Imagine what could go wrong if you..." her voice trailed off and they both looked at Miranda, sitting at the desk.

"Does she-"

"No."

"Oh."

---

Sandra had given him a room key and he laid awake for hours, his mind simply not used to the concept of sleep, but his human body simply screaming for it. He was thinking about his descent to the ground. just to be sure, he checked the mark on his arm, turning his light on to do so. As he rolled up his sleeve, a look of horror crossed his face.

An element can become a human- and occaisonally beast- form whenever it suits him, and while in such a form there is a mark placed on these beings. Depending on the person, it is on either the left or right arm, directly between the wrist and elbow. The elemental can turn back into his natural form by placing his hand over and grabbing tightly. It was their only ticket home.

Ron'snormally soft, tear shaped design had become a large, mangled scar.

---

Not surprisingly, there is very little help for elemental, as in their human form, they are very, very rare. No doctor has had the chance to study one, and as an estimate, only about 400 walk the Earth at any one time, depending on the season. In a world population of 6 billion, and looking entirely like normal people, they keep hidden very, very well, and very, very few know they exist. With such a minimal impact on humanity, what even they knkow about themselves in human form, as far as they know, could be very little.

When Ron found out about the internet, he was absolutely astounded by how close conspiracy theorists and "fiction writers" can get to the truth. But he never found any help, and though he'd tried many times, he could not leave.

---


A year had passed. Though it is said time can heal all wounds, and indeed, Tom Thunder himself came down to apologize, he could not help Ron in this state. It started raining again, after another month or so. He heard from Tom that they'd had to hire a spirit with very little experience- in fact, it was one of Ron's distant cousins. He didn't care, and soon he began to hate the rain horribly as it represeted everything he missed. Depressed, he began to study Sandra. Previously Sandra Creek, and now Witherspoon, he noticed how well she had adapted to life in this realm, being stuck here much like he was. She always had a smile on her face, and around her, it seemed everyone did. But in his gut, he knew he couldn't stay here, even with people who knew his secrets. "I want to go somewhere drier", he said. "It's just too horrible here." And because they were unable to stop him, he left.

He traveled around, but in the cruelest sense of iron, it was always cloudy where he went. A constant storm followed Ron, and he sure it wasn't on purpose- a sky spirit's vision of the ground is simply awful, especially when working on a storm. But Ron tried to live the status quo of the world- he found an apartment in the small town mountains of Colorado, got a girlfriend, a job working as a manager of a Recreational center. Thing were going well, until he noticed a mark on the arm of his girlfriend.

---


"You're a-", he trid to blurt out as she began to pull away from him.

"I'm a what? I think I'm normal." Wendy had lived a lie for a decade now, and she wasn't going to give that up for anything.

"Sky spirit." That was all Ron needed to say, and Wendy forgot al about lying. Several thousand question formed in both of their minds.

"How do you know about-" but Ronald was quickly unwrapping the bandages on his arm. He showed her the scar on his left arm. They talked. The hours were gentle and passed by slowly as fate unraveled his plan. Ron grabbed hold of Wendy's arm and they dissapeared into smoke.

This was something that had never been done before. They flew over the ands as emotions from lives past flowed throught both of them, and Ron never wanted to leave. But fate had one more trick up its sleeve. Through a cloud bank, they soared, but as they went through, a beam of lightning caught Ron's spirit, and he fell. This time he was entirely concious, and he landed in the ocean. The ocean, actiang as a being, spat him out onto the beach. He looked up in the sky, and perfectly in tuned with his thoughts, it began to rain. He now had more control of the sky than before- he had reached a point that nobody had ever done. A mortal god, he began to walk into Seattle, in the distance.

How to be Free

To anybody that's not Mormon and reading this, I apologize. But not totally.

In the premortal existence, we were shown a plan. Because we had already progressed to terminal point in that existence, our only option was a test. To ascend to Godhood, it was required that we take on a physical form, one with desires, emotions, and greeds we had to prove we could manage before continuing on our path. If we showed that our spirits were strong enough to not only manage our bodies, but magnify our callings and become as Christ like as possible, the Atonement would carry us up into our Celestial State. Yes, it involved risk, but risk was the only way we could learn. Yes, many would not be able to make it, but it would be their own individual fault for not making it. Although all man was created equal, no intelligence ever was.

But there was another plan. Why, after all Christ had done for us, would he let so many suffer at the hands of those on Earth? Why we he watch us grovel in pain as the troubles in our mortal form pushed us, possibly beyond our capacity to handle? How could he deny so many from the gates of heaven? Lucifer, the Father of all lies, beleived he had devised a better plan, one that would work for everybody, one that would open the door for many, if only they would bow to him, and not to Christ.

Of course, there was a war. The type of war, we don't really know. One third of God's children, led by the Devil, fell away and were cast out by Heavenly Father. But the terribly ironic thing is, Satan's plan simply could not have worked. There had to be an individual bar. Godhood, by nature could only take a deserving, clean spirit. A plan garunteeing equality could not be upheld by the mathematics and morals of the universe.

I told you this for a reason. Heavenly Father's plan shows a plan of liberty, and of total agency. We CHOOSE whether we want to follow him. We CHOOSE to control our bodies. If you falter or stumble, you cannot blame the heavens, but only you. The risk is eternal salvation, and the gamble is eternel torment or slavery. But so many went with it anyway, because the only way anyone could ever grow is through trial.

Satan's plan offered no freedom, and no liberty. In his plan, there was total security. Everybody made. Nobody was undeserving, there was no poor, and he proudly bore the banner of supposed "Equality". All that was required was for you to bow to the Devil.

In capitalism, true capitalism, you are offered total liberty. You find a job, work hard, or invent something. You have everything to lose, but everything to gain. In capitalism, you have the opportunity to become rich if you do something great enough. Choose to not get an education, slack off your job, and you fall. Yes, good hardworking people slip through the cracks because capitalism is a man made solution, and it only works if everyone is hardworking and diligent. Everyone gets what and to what degree they deserve.

In socialism, or communism to a greater degree, you do not have the chance to become rich. If you slack everything off, don't get an education, it's okay. You still get food and whatever else you need to live and feed your family. There is no downside to being a horrible person. Everyone is treated equally, except the government, who gets bowed to.

I am person that would never sacrifice my liberty in the long run for security temporarily. I am a capitalist. I am a conservative. I believe in small government. I beleive The Constitution is amazing and inspired by God. I beleive in leaving things to the individual, not to the "good" of the collective. I beleive that God and Christ will be the only authorities I answer to in the end, not to Obama or the government. I beleive that the scale of society should be placed closer to anarchy than to tyranny, not completely, so that we still answer to laws, but the closer to tyranny, the closer we are to slavery. I beleive that in a man made society, Justice serves a higher role than Mercy, because only the Lord can forgive sins. I we are responsible for our own actions, and total equality cannot- and should not- exist, because although all man was created equal, no intelligence or spirit is the same. I leave this with you to think and to pray about.

Thank you for that brief moment of epiphany. We'll now get back to our show.

Hey, just a little advertising here...

Um, just so you people know, I keep all of my artwork here captainhersheybar.deviantart.com and usually on Phaesbuk. And since i know how much you guys love my artwork....

Oh. Ya. Blog.

Many of you may have thought I was quitting my blog due to the ambiguity and depression of my last post. I never meant for that to happen, but since then I've had absolutely due to a very musical man. But that's beside the point. The point is, I'm still blogging. And guess what? Today's Thanksgiving! It's cliche to say the things you're thankful for, and as much as I hate being cliche, I kinda think this one has a purpose. Thanksgiving usually gets shorted out as some turkey-hunting feast fest on the day before Black Friday but I think it should be a lot more sacred than that. How often do we slow down and think of everything we have rather than what we don't have? In a way, it humbles someone far more effectively than Christmas- Christmas can all too easily be caught in swarms of presents and thinking of what you've just gotten as opposed to today, where the lack of a gift exchange really puts things in perspective. You still get to spend a whole day spending time with family, and you still get a better than normal dinner.

Not that Christmas isn't immediatly looked forward to. I mean, seriously, Thanksgiving should have been placed a tad earlier in the year. It's November and Santa STILL stole the season.

Don't touch that button

Look, I started this blog so I'd have an excuse to do someting constructive. Because I have a huge imagination--large enough I never stop thinking. But the downside is I'm really, really, really easily distracted. I've never been tested for ADD. My mind is always working, it's just only half the time it works on what I'm doing at the time, so I'm clumsy. My head always works out the logic of something big, so on big issues, I'm usually right. I often say things without thinking about them (becuase I'm thinking about something else) so on small things, I'm usually wrong. I connect weird things to each other, and though not always, I can usually think of something to say about it, so people think I'm funny. My head is about as organized as my room. I can attach a rythym to anything, so I'm great at haikus, but terrible at those stupid puzzles with mixed up rtetlse. I'm pretty good at hiding my emotions in front of people, usually, so I come off as a genuinely happy person. I'm afraid that everything I say will be wrong (unless it's a big issue that I feel strongly about) so I'm afraid to say my mind. I'm a bit insecure, and would sooner trust someone else's word than my own, so I'm a little gullible and have trouble settling my own opinion unless I stay up for a night thinking about one thing. In my mind, I idolize a lot of people, and if someone else is sure about something, I usually agree with them. I'll admit to following random people around. Though, one thing I really hate about people is when nobody listens to me, because I usually have something to say, but no one will shut up long enough to listen. I'm nervous most of the time, actually, and a bit afraid to walk up to people I don't know or people I'm afraid I come off as weird to. I actually am afraid that I stand out too much as a goofball or a geek, and I really just want people to like me. So basically, it's hard for me to keep a blog because
-I'm easily distracted
-It's hard for me to stick to something indefinetly
-Something I say might insult someone
-I might not be right

So now that I've bared my soul for everybody to see...

Mankind- as demonstrated by the internet

Over this summer, I'll admit, I spent probably too much time on the internet. A bit. But I kinda want to talk about what I learned about how people act when they can say anything they want to an audience that doesn't care about them in a venue where anyone can be. I'm kinda a regular on sites like Best of Youtube, Failblog (g-rated), even Facebook. What I've found is that all respect to people as human beings immediatly goes out the window. They're not afraid to announce their opinion loudly and boldly (although I'll never say stating your opinion is a bad thing, it's just how they do it) and a lot less careful about their word choice.Everyone else you communicate to becomes just a half inch avatar and misspelled words. Yes. Right there they are. But I think this carried over so well into our daily lives, that people you see walking down the street or in your class become nothing. That's what happened to respect and decency. The fast communication to nobody destroyed our natural ability do communicate effectively to somebody. I'm in California right now, and we just drove through San Francisco. About half the people there had mp3 players on. The rest were with a big group of friends. Now, I've got to sound like a bit of a hypocrite since I had my mp3 in, but it got me thinking about what's changed since before them. Back then, you'd have to ineract with everyone you saw, because there wasn't any reason not too. It would be almost rude to look into the eyes of some guy you see and not say "Top of the morning!". But now we're all deaf and scared that anyone you see can pull out a gun and shoot you for no reason. Why would people want to live like this? Why would anyone want to elect to be afraid of their neighbor? Can't we all just be nice?

Sched for this year...

I'm too lazy to type the whole thing so here's to copy and past:

Trimester
Period
Course Name
Course Number
Section Number
Course Key
Teacher
1
0 Marching Band (North, Dan)

1Marching Band (North, Dan)

2Honors Alg2/Trig (Hart, Cherri)

3Biology A (Call, Ron)

4Journalistic English (Barrus, Steve)

5Debate (Benson, Bruce)

2

0 Release Time A

1Network Tech. (Wills, Erick)

2Symphony Band (North, Dan)

3Honors Alg2/Trig (Hart, Cherri)

4English 10A
New Teacher, B

5Adv Spch/Debate
Benson, Bruce

3

0Music Theory
Hinck, David

1Health
Walker, Jamie

2Symphony Band
North, Dan

3Biology B
Phillips, Travis

4Honors Alg2/Trig
Plank, Christina

5Release Time B
Staff

Yes, I did totally fill my schedule with every zero hour and fifth periods... but it's worth it to me!

Eugh, computer...

I kinda just remembered I haven't posted for a while, and that the one before was just a review, and the one before that was some stuff I drew and didn't take any effort... so I wanted to post something. But then I couldn't think of what. Most of my ideas were either too stupid or depressing. So I decided to talk about how stupid and depressing my life is. But that's a stupid and idea.

hm...

well...

I listen to stupid and depressing music for several reasons. Mostly I like the sound of it. Happy, upbeat, and catchy music only goes so far. When your in a mediocre to downright bad mood, you just can't stand the stuff. Depressing music contains all of the loud, obnoxious songs like "Iris", "How to Save a Life", or "Marching Bands of Manhatten" (by Death Cab for Cutie, a very sad, slow, agonizing song). You can always turn to depressing music for anything. Coldplay played basically all sad songs until their Viva la Vida album (though Viva la Vida itself is something of a sobering song, poor king) which had tons of upbeat, catchy songs (which we'll get to later.) The Fray, so far, have like one actually happy, toe-tapping song, and the lyrics are still depressing. Matchbox Twenty's Happiest song is about the end of the world! And it's awesome! But seriously, people write music because they have an emotion to get rid of. I feel better when I'm sad if I play some angry scary music. But I'm less likely to want to get rid of a happy emotion, so I'm more likely to do something else. That's not to say people aren't expressing themselves when they play happy music. Happy music is for fun. But, going back, anything from apathy to depression warrants music that isn't upbeat and and major-chord'ed. I listen to something that agrees with me. Let's face it, catchy songs just get annoying after a while. But, rockish, emo, and sad songs you can listen to over and over again, progessively putting you in a worse and worse mood.

And I don't listen to rap, and I'm not sure what emotion it expresses. (Besides "I like to beat up people, steal cars, bad words, and Women.)

Anyways, besides rap:
rock-either really really sad, or really really angry, and sometimes, but less often, kinda upbeat
pop- usually just upbeat
techno- is it EVER sad?
jazz- pure, simple, bliss
blues- technically jazz most the time, but sad.
country- country
classical (like Bach and stuff)- whatever it seems was on their mind
film scores- whatever mood the movie is in (duh!)
polka- um... that's not fair, I don't listen to polka.
gospel- asking the lord for help, either really hapy or really sad

Green Town

I recently finished the book Summer Morning, Summer Night by Ray Bradbury (Bradbury, Ray) who sounds familiar because he wrote Farenheight 451. It's not a novel, but a collection of stories he wrote about one fictional town that sits quietly as a suburb in Illinois. Some of them are sweet, uplifting, some are scary enough to keep you awake for months, and all of them are thought provoking and unique. In one titled "Love Potion", two sweet old ladies give a girl an elixer that has startling but not exactly magical consequnces, while others, such as "At midnight in the month of June" and "The Projector" really do have magical components. Most are simply amazing in their simplicity and beauty. Many are love stories, such as "Night Meeting" about a man who meets his one true love on a bus but doesn't have the courage to ask her name (which contains a passage I may share later, it's simply wonderful), "A Walk in the Summer", and "Arival and Departure". "The Screaming Woman" is one of the most frustratingly horrifying ones, about a girl that hears a woman screaming underground in an empty lot but no one beleives her for about a week.It serously gave me chills. This one with "I got Something You Ain't got" are dark and frankly have some of the most amazing story telling I've ever seen. You know exactly what will happen, and even though you're totally right, it happens in a way no one would ever dream of, like Clarisse's "suicide" and and the appearance of the screaming woman. If you like Farenheight 451 -just the way Bradbury works with plots- then read it. I should be turning it in today anyway.

Ways to View a Sticky Note (#1)

Well, I sure hope this works... None of these have been photoshopped to change the image, by the way, like I usually do.

Forwarded Emails

Ya, you know what I'm talking about, you guilty ones. Forwarded emails are at least in the top ten of my least favorite annoying things. "If you forward this email to six and a half billion people, you will get ONE MILLION punches in the face! That's right, ONE MILLION punches in the face!" The culprits are everywhere. From you cousin to you grandma to that poor girl with cancer that simply won't be able to be cured unless! you help out and send this to ten of your friends and contribute to this absolutely hopeless cause. Note: It is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to track down a forwarded email without forwarding everything backward from everybody that sent you an email back from when they sent emails to all of their friends. Which means, if the chain continues, the person at the bottom will have ten thousand emails in five generations of the chain. If I'm not explaining this clearly, here's a link to snopes.com, the ending note on matters like this:
http://snopes.com/inboxer/school/names.asp
I'm also not going to go for guilt trips, like "forward this if you beleive in America being free!" It doesn't work on me. I totally agree with the message, but just sending it to people who agree with me won't help fix stuff and sending it to people who for some reason don't won't be changed by sending a stupid email. The worst are the ones with so many typos I can't actually tell what's going on. Worse than that is when not only are there typos, but there are also the forwarding lists of hundreds of email addresses that sent this along to thousands of other poor blokes. I can honestly be ashamed of the human race when I see something like this. (Especially when I notice that most of the sender's addresses end in "cullen".) On a personal level, I will sometimes do a lame friend quiz thing just because I'm bored, but when I do, I retype the entire thing because the enter spaces have gone backwards, words and sentences are missing arms and legs, AOL ads riddle the whole thing and nobody in this whole neverending list of forwards and replies has bothered to do anything. And how easy is it to type that if you forward this, you'll get a promotion or if you don't you'll die and your parents will die and your town will be bombed and your country will go to war with Afghanistan. How gullible are people these days? I know I'm getting a little worked up about this, and I know everybody does it, and "it only takes five minutes!" but the straws have piled and the camel's back is broken. No more forwarded emails. The human race is GROUNDED. If you want to communicate, try actually coming up with something! Do you really want to see your crushes name flash on the screen? Has that ever actually worked? Sending people forwarded stories to stop people from going suicidal is probably the lamest thing I've ever heard! I get those and I'm almost insulted by them, because they say "I love you enough to send you this email I've sent to fifty other people, but not enough to actually say 'Hi!' and start a conversation. Look at how the world sees you!"

I'm really sorry, I'm kinda on a chocolate hangover (had like the whole box of gourmet ones yesterday) but seriously. No more.

Look out, world...

I, being about a year late in this, had my first drive for driver's ed today. Here is the transcript:

Before we even left Central High to go to the stake center where we'd start, Mr. Barton got into the car with me in the front passenger seat and Jacob Nelson and Liz Hansen in the back.

Me: Did you look around the car for watermarks (whatever those are), Mr. Barton?

Mr. Barton: I had checked the car before I left the Jr. High to get it.

Me: But how do you know something didn't happen to- Hey look, candy!

It kind of went downhill from there. He had opened the glove compartment to throw something in, exposing a bag of Lifesavers. I never got any.

Later, at the Rexburg Stake center at the edge of town..

Me: Um.

Mr. Barton is knawing off bits of an oversized granola bar.

Barton: Sorry, I never got a breakfast, so I'm just..

Me: Ya, you're fine. It smells good.

He ignores me.

Barton: So. Adjust your chair.

Me: Can't... um.. Oh. There's the button.

I appropriately fix my seat, after much tension and prodding from the instructor.

Me: There.

Barton: Touch the brake.

Me: Touching the brake.

Barton: Now touch the gas... Move your foot... move your heel over.. there you go.

Me: Got it.

Barton: Now turn on the car.

I think the adreneline went through my blood just as fast as the car ignited to life.

Me: Whoa.

I could swear I could hear Jacob and Liz's nervousness growing.

Barton: Hold the brake.

Me: Hold the brake.

Barton: Now shift into drive. Press the button.

Me: Kay.

Barton: Now let go of the brake and let the car creep.

Me: Let go of the brakes.

Barton: Now pull us to a gentle stop..

Me: Stop.

The car jerk to a sudden riggidy stop, which was weird, because we going, like, what, .02 mph?

Liz: Whoa.

Jacob: Whoa.

Barton: That was semi-gentle...

Me: Whoa.

Barton: Now let go of the brake.

Me: Let go of the brake.

Barton: Now press the gas.

Me: Press the gas. (though I was thinking maybe he'd gone crazy, I was perfectly comfortable leaving that thing alone)

Barton: Now stop!

Me: Stop.

The car lurches to a stop slightly smoother than the last time.

Barton: Now I want you to turn gently around this corner. Turn on your left signal. Press the gas...

Me: Turn the corner. Left light. Press the gas.

Barton: Drive into that tree.

Me: Drive into the tree.

What?

Barton: Drive straight through the parking lot, aiming for the tree.

Me: Oh.

...

Barton: Left signal.

Me: Left signal.

Barton: Quit repeating everything I say.

Me: Right.

Barton: Let go of the gas.

Me: I'm letting go of the gas.

Barton: Turn. Sharper!

He hits his brake in a confusing moment where I think he was trying to get me to turn before I thought he wanted me to turn before I was ready, resulting in him stomping on his brake and grabbing the wheel from me. After he corrected the course, I got in control again and slowly mde my way across the lot.

Barton: "I will not repeat everything Mr. Barton says."

Me: I will not re... oh. Right.

This kind of shut me up the rest of the drive, though I kind of had to resist the urge to copy him the entire time. I swear I wasn't doing it to be annoying, but I was nervous and one way I'm sure to retain information is by saying it aloud. So there.

Side Effects from Listening to an Mp3 Player too often:

-walking perfectly in step to the 200+ songs you have
-knowing the lyrics to said songs
-thinking of making music videos for every one
-addiction
-loss of concentration
-loss of hearing
-being absolutely certain that one song is your absolute favorite for about ten minutes, than forcing yourself to listen to something else because it got old really quick
-knowing the key, time signature, to all songs
-actually not ever listening to about 10% of them
-realizing too much of your music is angry when you're happy but too upbeat when you're mad
-it takes you at least 10 seconds to sort through to find the one song that you want
-hating it when you end a song too early to listen to another and when you switch it too late and the next one starts, so you feel guilty and want to listen to that one, but you also have already switched to the first one
-making a blog post about your mp3 player
-recharging your 36 hour battery every day and a half
-you've lost it at least three times for a week each (suffering withdrawals) and find it exactly where you left it
-you've ever felt guilty for insulting your own music, even if it does suck
-you listen to it when you ride your bike and bike too fast because your music is too fast, and crash
-when you're not listening to it, it's charging
-or you're at school
-or trying to listen to someone
-or anything else requiring a sense of hearing
-you get really annoyed when any of the last four happen
-you've had at least four, all broken except the current one
-you held a burial for each

And Why?

To be honest, I'm a really lazy guy. I would much rather be reading a book or playing video games or watching T.V. or be on the internet laughing at cats. So would most people. That's why America is fat. So I decided to have a Because-It's-Not-New Year's resolution. This is it. I decided that I might be doing something for world by actually THINKING instead of, well, lack of thinking. Now, because I'm so awesome, my thoughts should turn the world for the better. I mean, look at America right now. Do you thinks it's as awesome as I am? I could probably do a better job as President, but I wouldn't because some people would disagree with me and say I'm an awful person, then my feelings would be hurt and I'd cry for days. But I'd still do better than lousy Obama. Not to get too political or anything. Anyways, if I keep typing, maybe the average awesomeness of the Earth will go up slightly. It's a bit formidable because for every 1% I raise the charts, I have to be 6.5 billion times more awesome than every body else. Though, that really shouldn't be too hard. And there are other awesome people, like Jackie Chan, Spiderman, Gandalf, Yoda, and Billy Mays. -sniff- I'm gonna miss that Oxyclean guy. So cool!

Another one of my weaknesses (or strength, perhaps we should just call it talent) is getting severely off topic.

The Dawn of a New Blog on Mankind

Hi. You may care to notice that I'm typing a blog. You may also care to notice that this is really the second blog post, since I typed that weird thing right before this. I'm not totally sure what that was about. (You may also care to notice I'll be saying that fairly often.) But you may find narrative things like that in the future.

So, to start off on this wonderfully bland adventure, let's start with the beginning: me. I think I'm a pretty cool guy most of the time. I'm a very musical person- which mean's I'm a band geek. I'm not to great at sports, but I was in track for a while and cross country. Please don't make me go back. I catch on to concepts very easily, which means I'm great at math, which is pure concept, but not to great at English, which is just crap the Anglo-Saxons made up. The truth is, I'm always thinking. Every second of every minute and so on and so forth, I always have something on my mind. Unless I'm listening to music, which is nearly every possible waking minute. Gravity doesn't seem to like me much, along with sharp wooden corners at head height and my left hand, especially on pianos. I'm not to great at the piano, but I think I'm pretty all right on the trombone. For me. If I had to pick a stereotype, it'd likely be the absent-minded professor, technically a genius but never managing to get through life because my head is to busy being a genius. In fact, that's really my great weakness. You'll find if I don't really put my head in this summer, posts may be sparse if at all. Please bear with me.

The Knight on the Hill

Before the days of industrialization, before the men turned against their kings who ruled wickedly, before even the New World was found, a man on a horse rode through the mountains. He was a fairly nondescript man, appearing in age around his twenties, and dressed in the plain tunic of a peasant. The horse, however, was a strong mare, and riding faster than it seemed any horse could go. As they rounded a sheer cliff that seemed to be a mile above them, in the distance a castle was spotted. It sprawled out across the landscape, seeming to be some testament to man's will on Nature, as its walls spread over the earth...